Losing our babies has made me more aware of the things I am thankful for. There are a million things that Brandon does for me that I could list, and so many people I could go on and on about. But since last year, I have noticed myself feeling more grateful for the little things. The sharp, winter air that renewed me on bad days last December. The little moments that Brandon and I share. The tiny snuggles from the kitties that help to heal my heart. When Walmart is stocked up on Ben & Jerry's and I don't have to go to a different store for my Half Baked. Little things.
Have you ever had those moments where you are so happy you feel like your heart is about to burst? Before losing Carter, I'd had only a few of those days. The day we delivered and finally got to meet our sweet boy put my heart on permanent burst mode, and now I swear, every little, good thing stretches the seams a bit farther.
Sure, there is a giant hole in my heart where his life should be, but somehow my heart still beats around it. It's almost like that empty space has not replaced a piece of my heart, but has somehow made it bigger, just expanding edges of my heart. I feel every emotion on a grander scale than I did before Carter. Sometimes I think it is due to the grief, but other times I know without a doubt that this is just the nature of a mother's heart. Though our hearts beat for other people, they beat stronger than ever.