I have six other posts that have been drafted within the last week, all just waiting to be shared. I planned to post one of them today, but decided to write something else in hopes of cleansing my soul today. Turns out that I just have a lot feelings.
These last few weeks have been SUCKY. My emotions have been all over the board, I'm exhausted all the time, and social anxiety is at an all time high. There were a few days last week that were really good, and I have a feeling that things will start to look up again soon, but overall...wow. It has just been rough. Ever since the miscarriage, things have been exceptionally hard. I think I'm just starting to kind of consider the idea that Brandon and I may not be able to ever bring a baby home. Our history is evidence enough that it is a possibility. I know we could adopt, but adoption is expensive, so it's a little discouraging. Actually, a lot discouraging. I don't know. Anyway, that's where I'm at.
We've been spending a lot of time at home just the two of us this past month, and it has been really nice. We've gotten some projects done around the house, and have just been able to be together. This weekend though, I just kept thinking "this is the way it will be for the rest of our lives." And what if it is? What if we are never able to have another baby? What if I just keep getting pregnant and losing babies? How long will we hold out hope? What if we are hopeful until it's too late and then I'm too old? People keep saying that I'm young and have plenty of time, but the two years since we started trying for a baby have gone so fast that I'm afraid the next fifteen years will go even faster.
What if the backseat of our car stays empty forever? How long do we keep everything up in the nursery? If we move at some point in the future, do we set up the nursery in the new house? Do we donate some of the baby things to a family who needs them? How many more trips to Disney will we able to handle without kids? At what point do we donate all the diapers that are still in the top of the closet? How am I going to feel when January rolls around and I have to donate all our wipes because they'll expire before we can use them? When do I finally let go of all the hope that I'm holding onto?
I love Brandon, don't get me wrong. He is my everything, and if we had only each other for the rest of our lives, we would be happy. But we'd both feel a little empty too. We have so much love for each other that we are ready to shower it onto children. We want to watch them grow and explore the world. We want to put all our love and energy into raising children. People tell us that we'll get less sleep and that we'll have to vacation differently and that we'll be broke from paying for extracurricular activities but we don't care. We want those things. We want them so bad that it hurts. And it hurts even more that it has been dangled in front of us and ripped away three times now. Talk about getting your hopes up.
The next few months are going to be difficult. I have two sister-in-laws that will be having their babies, Carter's birthday is in two months, and then we roll right into the holidays. I knew that the holidays last year would be hard, but I thought this year would be easier. I know it's not quite time yet, but walking through the Christmas section at Hobby Lobby already makes me cry every single time because I'm just reminded how empty our house will be. No baby to snuggle by the tree, no carseat in the back while we drive around and look at lights. Just two empty stockings hanging between our own.
I'm ready for summer to be over. I'm ready for cold weather that drives people inside so that I don't have to pass happy moms and children at the park on my way home every day. Maybe the cold will keep pregnant ladies and newborn babies at home too. But I'm not looking forward to the change of seasons as much as I hoped to be this year. Honestly, the thing I'm looking forward to most (besides becoming an aunt, obviously) is being able to stay inside on crummy days and not feel bad about it.
This post probably sounds so morose, so sorry to add some weight to your Monday. It's just one of those days where I feel like acknowledging the pain. Any motivation, hope or just funny things would be appreciated.