Before Brandon and I lost Carter, we talked at length about things we could do to keep postpartum depression to a minimum. After we lost him, we had another conversation about how we needed to do the things we had planned to do, even though we really didn't want to. The most important of those things was to open the blinds every morning. I know how much the weather affects me, and knew that seeing the sun each day would help keep my mood up, even just a little bit.
It was hard to be grateful for each day when all I wanted was my baby. Some days I would look outside and just be so angry at everyone that was going about their day like everything was normal. Didn't they know we were grieving? Couldn't they tell how much we were hurting? Most days, I wanted the sun to go away. I wanted it to be cloudy and dreary. I wanted the weather to give me permission to be depressed. Some days it did, because we were rolling right into fall and winter. The days I could shower and put sweats right back on without feeling bad about it were the best. The sun hid behind the clouds and said "it's okay, today can suck" and I sat my butt on the couch for the whole day, intermittently crying and feeling okay.
No matter the weather, we always opened the blinds. We still do, even on days that I stay home from work. Some days we're up before the sun, and other days we are hours behind, but either way, the blinds get opened, and the light pours in.
Even though there are many days that I wish the sun would hide behind the clouds, I know how important the sunrise is each day. Every sunrise is a marker of another day that we are alive. Another day that we have survived our grief. Another day that we are stronger than our pain and continue to move forward. Another day that we grow stronger as a couple and family. Another day that we get to love our babies.
I don't always love the sun, but I appreciate that, each morning, it greets me with its warmth, and lets me know that I have made it another day.