Today I took Hudson to a baby story time at the library. It was our first time going to story time, but not our first time at this library; we had been a few times since we moved. And actually, his first time at this library wasn't my first time.
The first time I went to this specific library was two weeks after we lost Carter. Share, the wonderful organization that has supported us through everything, was having a support group there that night, and we went. They started by having us go around the table and share our story. When it got to us, I couldn't even make it through one sentence. I just cried, and I kept crying during the entire meeting. Brandon and the husband of the couple next to us passed the box of tissues back and forth all night. That mom is a good friend of mine now, but the first time I reached out to her I introduced myself as the girl she shared the Kleenex box with.
We never went to another support group, but we did go for a lot of drives during that grieving period. Any time we'd end up near the library, it stung. And then, over time, it started hurting less and less, but that didn’t mean I stopped thinking about it. The first time I went to that library for books, of course I thought about it, but I pushed it to the back of my mind. And after a couple times, it was just second nature to kind of not think about it.
i didn’t think about it at all during story time. It wasn’t until we were walking out of the room that I realized we had been playing in the exact same room where we’d been for the support group. And, coincidentally, Hudson and I had sat about where Brandon and I had sat during the group. Before we walked out the door, I stopped and looked around, remembering how it felt to be there on a cold night in November, feeling like life would never be good again. Yet there I was, happier than I have been in the last three years, with the son I never thought would come to us.
It’s just interesting how things work out sometimes. I don’t really have a positive message to leave with this post, I just wanted to share because it gave me a lot of feelings. All I know is that I’m grateful for both of my boys and the love I have for them.