Being a Mom

I can't believe how quickly time is going right now! Everyone always tells you it goes fast, but I didn't know just how fast it really goes. Hudson will be eight weeks old tomorrow! He probably weighs close to nine pounds, which just blows my mind. Lately we have been looking through videos and pictures from when he was born, and he was so tiny!!! He's still small compared to other babies his age, but he has gotten so chunky. He's getting close to outgrowing some of his newborn clothes too, mainly his pajamas. He wore preemie clothes for three weeks, and has been in newborn clothes for five weeks now, so we'll see how much longer that lasts!

The other day he started smiling for real, not just reflex smiles!! He has the cutest little smiles. Usually it's just one side of his lip that goes up, but it is so adorable. I think he has my smile too, which is really fun. He looks so much like Brandon so it's nice to see something of mine come through finally! His eyes are still so blue. Brandon and I both have hazel eyes, so we fully expected his to be hazel too, but they are starting to get lighter and we're wondering if they'll be blue forever. And good news, his hair is finally starting to grow back. He really didn't lose all that much, just enough to make him look like a grumpy old man.

Some of my favorite things he does right now: 
1. When he decides he's done eating, he'll purse his lips so the bottle can't go into his mouth anymore. When he's done, he's done.
2. He loves to hold onto our shirts while we feed him. He'll usually kind of toy with the fabric as he eats. It's so sweet.
3. He LOVES to sleep on his stomach on our chests. It's kind of a problem, because it makes it hard to get anything done during the day, but I've decided that chores can wait. These snuggles won't last forever!
4. He makes these noises that are hard to describe, but rather than a grunting or crying noise, I feel like the noises are his real voice, and I love it. Seriously, it about brings me to my knees every time he does it because they are so stinking cute.
5. His vision has developed so he can see us from a further distance and track us as we move. I love when I talk to him and he turns to look at me. 

There was one time at the hospital where he was crying and wouldn't stop, so Brandon brought him to me and he immediately stopped crying. Of course then I started crying, but I think it was in that moment that I finally realized that I am a mom. I've waited a really long time to be the person that comforts a child and cares for them. And I don't just mean the last two years since we lost Carter, I've wanted it for longer than that. Every single small development, every moment of eye contact, every diaper blowout, and every round of spit up I get on me...I just want to cry because I am so dang grateful to be his mom. I know this is not unique to me; when you become a mom, you give your heart to your children. Having Hudson at home as made my mom heart grow in ways I never knew it could. 

The other night I was lying in bed thinking about how grateful I am for all of our children. After about an hour of trying to fall asleep, I realized how different my life is now compared to eight weeks ago. Now I lose sleep because I can't stop thinking about how lucky I am that he is here. Before I lost sleep because I was afraid he would never get here. 

Brandon and I talk a lot about how June 19th could have gone horribly wrong. We could have very easily lost Hudson, and honestly I don't know what I would have done if we did. With the cord wrapped as much as it was, things could have gone south very quickly.

There were a lot of times after our losses that I wondered if I was meant to be a mother. And there was a lot of fear that I wouldn't be a good mom once Hudson got here. I don't want to sound cocky or over-confident, but I've never been more sure that this is what i was meant to do. I will never be a perfect mom, but I will always love, care for and provide for him. I will always do whatever it takes to help him live the life he deserves. Watching him grow is the greatest gift I will have ever been given.