Hi Little Bean: One Year Later

Hi little bean,

I know it has been a whole year since we've had you, but I wanted to take the opportunity to write to you anyway.

The last week or so has been kind of a whirlwind of emotions. Every single day was the year mark of something, so every day there was something different on my mind. The day we went to the ER, the day we found out we were going to lose you, our last full day with you, the day we found out we lost you, and then finally, the day of our d&c. Wednesday was the 16th, the day we had the d&c last year. I've just been thinking about you so much lately.

Actually, if I'm being honest, staying home for the last five months has allowed for a lot of time to think about you. One day I was organizing the closet in the office, and I came across the two pieces of art I had bought to hang in the nursery. Your dad let me buy them before we had confirmed your gender. I was so sure that I knew it was you. Those pieces had been in the closet for a long time, and I had kind of forgotten they were there. I let myself cry for a little bit while I looked at them, then put them back in their spot, where they will be for quite some time. Not everyone will understand how I can miss you so much when we only had you with us for a short amount of time, and that's okay. I know you were here with us right after we lost Carter, and that we were lucky enough to have you come be with us for those three short months. I didn't know I would be able to miss you this much, but I really do.

On Wednesday, as I thought about the same day a year ago, I remembered all the little things that made the day so special for us. We took a little blanket for you and asked the doctor to give it to you. I don't know what happened to it, but as far as we're concerned, you had it with you. Our doctor told us you were born at 245, which is probably just an arbitrary time, but it will always matter. And then, a week later, we were able to bring your ashes home with us for just a few days before spreading them on your brother's grave. A d&c is just a procedure, it was different than delivering Carter, but it still hurt. And I'm grateful that our doctor made it as "normal" as possible.

Even though you were here for just a little while, the time we had with you and the milestones we would have hit will always be remembered. We wish you could be here with us, with your older brother, helping us prep for a little brother. We miss you, little bean, and we love you very, very much.

Love, mom