I am so relieved to have finally announced our pregnancy. Mostly I am happy we finally shared the news with our parents. It was getting really rough not talking about the only thing that has been going on in our lives! I was also really scared too. I'm usually not a superstitious person, but after losing the last three, I have become extremely superstitious when it comes to pregnancy. We found out we were going to lose little bean the day after I started looking at crib sheets. I hadn't looked at anything else up until then. With our third pregnancy, we decided to dive right in and get excited from the minute we learned we were pregnant. That pregnancy lasted five days. Every time we share the news with someone, I get so afraid that something bad will happen. Now we're three days post sharing the news on social media, and so far we're in the clear. But I'm still so scared.
I was also really nervous to share our news because I didn't want to hurt anybody in the process. We have connected with so many other loss parents on social media, and know how crushing it can be to see a pregnancy announcement. I wish I could wrap my arms around all those other parents, and just cry with them. Life isn't fair. We am no more deserving of this little guy than they are.
I was also delighted to learn that some of the loss parents I've connected with are also expecting. It will be nice to not be on this journey alone, and to have (and give) support along the way. We've only known about this pregnancy for ten weeks, and already I feel like I'm waiting to breathe again.
Being able to share our news has, in some ways, made the pregnancy a little more real. I'm looking forward to my belly growing and to feeling him move, so that we know this is really happening. The pregnancy tests have been on our bathroom counter since the day after Carter's birthday (probably kind of gross but oh well), and every day I just feel so grateful to have this tiny human inside of me, even though it feels surreal.
I also should probably warn you that I have a lot of emotions regarding pregnancy after loss. Some posts will be happy, and some will be the opposite, but please don't be offended. It's all just part of the grieving process. There will also be weekly bumpdates, so there will be at least one happy thing a week, if nothing else haha.
Sorry this was a rambly post, I just have a lot of feelings and I'm super hormonal!! Hope everyone had a nice, relaxing weekend!