I had some nasty comments left on a few of my pictures this morning. They started with the picture of Carter I posted last night, and went all the way back to a picture in December. I always wonder why people waste their time trolling feeds they don't care to look at. If you don't want to see those pictures, go find someone else to stalk. But further than that, why troll the feed of someone who is clearly hurting? What gives them the right to drive that hurt in deeper?
Let's go back to yesterday. I was having a SUPER crappy day. Like, on the brink of tears all day, babies everywhere, wanted to just lay down and cry kind of day. We allowed ourselves some retail therapy, ate lots of food, and watched a lot of parks and rec. Late last night, I started scrolling back through pictures. I got to one I had posted of me with Carter, but honestly, the photo in black and white doesn't do his cute face justice. So I opened the shared file we have with all of Carter's pictures. I don't look at these pictures very often, maybe once every few weeks, and I think I kind of realized why last night. Carter is always always on my mind, one hundred percent of the time. But after almost ten months, a lot of times, he just feels like an idea. Like the time we had with him was all made up, and that the nursery was put together just in case. Looking at his pictures makes it feel real. I look at him, and I see my eyes, Brandon's lips, my nose...I see us. He is our baby. We made him. He's not just an idea. He's real.
The jerk this morning commented "why post a picture of a dead baby?" And while I kind of just laughed it off, because they aren't worth my time, it still upset me. Carter isn't just some dead baby. He's my son. Our son. He is a product of Brandon and myself. He carries our dna, and I carried him. I delivered him, we held him, we loved on him, and then we had to say goodbye. And then we had to bury him. He's not just some baby. He's our baby. I understand that some people may not want to look at a picture of my deceased child. In all honesty, I'd much rather be posting pictures of him with his eyes open, smiling, and crawling around the house. Of course I'd rather not be sharing a picture because I'm feeling sad, I'd rather be sharing a cute picture of something he did that day, and saying how lucky I am to be a mom to such a perfect boy.
Here's the thing though: I'm still lucky to be his mother. I'm still incredibly proud to have carried someone so perfect, to have made the literal cutest child (biased but oh well), and to have felt his little personality as much as I've been able to. While a lot of things are and always will be just dreams, we still get to fantasize about what life would have been like with him, the things he would have liked, and how full our home would have been with him here. We don't necessarily get to parent him, but he is still, in every way, our child.
Like I said, I know that seeing pictures of an angel baby may not be something everyone is comfortable with. And that's okay. It's sad, and it's hard. Trust me, it makes me sad too. In the past ten months since we lost Carter, I've had a total of three negative people leave comments on my pictures. Compared to the amount of support we've received, three is nothing. So I'd like to take a moment here and say thank you to everyone that leaves such kind comments. I can't even begin to tell you how much they are appreciated. I'd also like to say thank you to those of you of may be uncomfortable with the pictures, but are decent enough to simply keep scrolling. You recognize pain, and you are kind enough to not make it worse.
The troll also commented "why smile at the grave of your deceased child?" Again, I'd really rather not be doing that. But there is something to be said for appreciating what you have, even if you don't have it quite to the extent you'd like to. Our family has grown by two in the past year. And even though our children are not at home with us, I am still so grateful to have them, and to know that they are a part of our family forever. So forgive me, hater, for smiling at the grave where two of our children are laid to rest. But I am blessed to be their mother, and knowing that Brandon and I have made a couple of perfect children is definitely something to smile about.