Hi Little Bean : April 3 & 5, 2017

No belly picture again. We really slacked those two weeks.

April 3, 2017

Hi little bean!  This past week has been something else, I’ll tell you what. Last week on Wednesday, we had our third ultrasound! I was really looking forward to seeing you, but I was also nervous about what was going to happen. I’ve probably said it before, but at our first ultrasound, you measured at six weeks, then at our second ultrasound, you measured at six weeks again. I didn’t like that very much, because no growth is bad. No growth is very very bad, and I don’t want to lose you. But at the ultrasound last week, you measured seven weeks and one day! Which is great; it means you grew in that week, which means you are healthy! The tech gave us a due date of November 14th, and I have to be honest, we left the appointment and I cried. I cried because if you are actually due on November 14th, that means when we get induced at 37 weeks, you would be born just a few days before Carter’s birthday, and I don’t really know that I can have you two that close together. And not only that, but for some reason, the tech telling me we were only seven weeks just didn’t feel right. It still doesn’t actually, I don’t think she measured you well enough. I got on to look at my medical records this morning and saw that a doctor had looked at the ultrasounds, and he put you at eight weeks, which makes me feel much, much better. I’ve done the math a couple times, and counted back from when I had some implantation spotting, and there is no way you could have been conceived at a point in time that would put us at only almost eight weeks pregnant. It’s just not possible. Plus, I don’t know that you would have had a little heartbeat at our first ultrasound if we were only five weeks then. We’ll have another ultrasound on the 19th, and I think that we’ll be able to see you more clearly, and get a better due date. My biggest thing (besides you being born more than just two days apart from Carter) is that we get an accurate due date, so that you are given enough time to cook in there. I’d hate to be induced at 37 weeks and have you actually only be 36 weeks along, you need enough time to be developed!

That appointment gave me a lot of anxiety, which ended up working its way up to my brain and just kind of poured outward. I was really bummed all night, super sad, and kind of depressed. I have been super moody and mean lately, even towards your dad, which makes me feel awful, but that night he was so sweet to me. I told him how I feel like people are getting impatient with me, and forgetting that I’m still grieving, and he just sat with me and reassured me, and also rubbed my back when I almost threw up haha. You are the luckiest baby in the world to have him for a dad. I think you’re going to have him wrapped around your tiny, baby finger, but you are so lucky. He’s going to love you more than anyone has ever loved another person in the whole entire world. It will probably be another dad and sophie situation...mom does all the work, but you all just always end up loving dad the most. It’s worth it though, he really is the best.

We were able to go see Carter twice in the past week. I took Thursday off work, because after Wednesday, I just didn’t really even want to try. So we drove up to Logan that afternoon, saw your brother for a bit, and then came home. It was a super quick trip, but it was necessary. Then we went up again yesterday and saw him before going to a big family dinner. It breaks my heart to think about you two playing together, and then remembering that that’s not what it will be like. Our home, though fuller than it has been, will still be a little emptier than it should be, even after we bring you home. But I know you two spent a lot of time together before you came down here to be with us. And little bean, if you are who I think you are, then I know you have a special relationship with Carter, a relationship that transcends any earthly relationship. And I think that’s pretty dang cool.

This pregnancy has been different than my pregnancy with Carter, for a few different reasons. Physically, I am cramping more and feel more bloated, but I know that is just because my body already knows what it is doing. Emotionally, I have been an absolute wreck. I’m sad, but mostly I’m just cranky. Super moody, I guess you could say. And I don’t know if that’s more the grief or the hormones, or just an awful combination of the two, but it’s different compared to how apologetic I was last year when I was pregnant. I don’t feel quite as tired as I did last year, which is interesting to me. I’m tired, but I remember coming home from work every day and just wanting to pass out. I’m only almost nine weeks, so it could get worse, but for now, I’m pretty happy about how much energy I still have! You’re doing pretty well on the food cravings too, so keep that up. I love that I still love sweets. Anything cinnamon and chocolate right now is wonderful. And greasy pizza. I love all the greasy pizza. None of that sour fruit crap like last time!

I said a prayer today asking for a little bit of peace and comfort in knowing that everything will be okay with you. And not even that everything will be okay, but just comfort in knowing that whatever happens happens, and there’s not much I can do about it. I will still be nervous every single time I go to the bathroom and with every little cramp I feel, but I still want to be able to enjoy this pregnancy. You are important, and your dad and I deserve to be excited about you. But nevertheless, you be safe little bean. We leave on Friday for Amsterdam, and if you can promise me to do your best to stay healthy, I promise to feed you all the waffles and chocolate I can! Love you, little bean!

April 5, 2017

Hi little baby! I just tore another link off the paper chain I have at work, so according to it (and the emails I’m getting) we are nine weeks along today! It’s possible that we’re only eight weeks, but until our next ultrasound, I’m going to just hover somewhere in the middle.

Not a lot of exciting things are happening today. Daddy went out of town on Monday for a day, and got back late last night, and we’re so happy he’s home! Now I can finally sleep well again so you can keep growing! I just went and got my blood drawn at lunch, so tomorrow we’ll find out how my thyroid is looking. I’m curious to see where my levels are at now. Hopefully they are right where we want them to be.

Dad woke up this morning feeling sick (although I guess he was feeling sick yesterday too and just didn’t tell me) so I stopped on my way back from the hospital to grab an orange juice. And on my way out grabbed one, okay fine, two, candy bars. I like that you make me crave sweets! It’s way better than the healthy fruit crap your brother wanted me to drink.

I’m going to try and remember to have dad take a picture today, since we forgot to take one last week. I know I don’t have much of a tummy yet, but I have a feeling I’ll be leaving my pants a little looser before we know it!

In just two days we’ll be taking you on your first plane ride, and first vacation! You be safe in there while we’re overseas. I’ll try and write to you while we’re gone. Love you bean!

How far along? : Nine weeks, maybe?
Baby is the size of: a cherry!
Total weight gain/loss: I looked sometime last week and hadn’t gained much, but I feel way heavier.
Sleep: I’m so tired all the time.
Best moment this week: Learning that once you see the heartbeat, chances of miscarriage are only about three percent
Movement: none
Symptoms: Bloated, tired, nausea. I just want to throw everything up all the time.
Food cravings: Chocolate, cinnamon, anything sweet.
Food aversions: NO FRUIT. TOO TART.
What I miss: Carter, gymming, and not being so tired.
What I am looking forward to: Our trip to Amsterdam, then coming back and being almost ten or eleven weeks pregnant!.