I'll tell you what...I don't think I've ever learned so much about myself yet been so confused about myself as I have in the past five months. The only time I remember learning so much and being so confused at the same time was in my stats class senior year of high school. Those of you who have lost someone can probably understand what I'm talking about. It's incredible how strong you can be, much much stronger than you ever thought you'd be in this situation, and as you master a wave of grief, you start feeling super confident that you've got it all under control, then BAM. A new wave of grief hits that you don't know how to navigate, and suddenly you're drowning all over again.
That's how this week has been. I don't know what this new wave is, or what to do with it. I've said for a while now that I've been angry, and that's still this wave of grief, but it keeps changing. Just when I think I have a hold of it and can start being nice to people again, I can't. And there is a huge part of me that is afraid that people will forget where the anger is coming from, that their patience will wear thin, and that I'll be alone with no one to support me through all this crap. It's terrifying. So this is just a blanket apology and begging for some understanding and patience. If I'm mean to you, I'm sorry. If I don't talk to you, well then really you're welcome because I'm just saving you from my moodiness.
I had to take yesterday off, just for a day to recover and not deal with any outside stressors. Brandon stayed home with me and worked for most of the morning, but we were able to make a quick trip to Logan to see Carter. We really were only at the cemetery for like twenty minutes, but it made my whole week to be able to go up there and hang out with him for a bit. Brandon has made the offer of going up there whenever several times, but I always feel like it's just too hard to go during the week. But yesterday, I knew that I just needed to go see him or else I wouldn't feel any better. Even today though, I'm wishing we lived closer to him, or that he was buried closer to us. I just miss the kid so dang much.
Besides seeing our boy yesterday, there have been a few highlights to the week:
- I finished rereading my book and marking up all the pages, and am now back to editing. I'm pretty excited to just get it over with and hand it off to a friend of a friend who knows someone in publishing. I don't expect it to go anywhere, but I won't let this book rest until I feel happy with it. Mostly, I'm ready to wrap it up so I can start working on my next one.
- Brandon took me to the crepery yesterday on our way out of Logan, no further explanation is needed.
- Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them came out on Tuesday, and we plan to get some movie theater popcorn and watch it this weekend.
- Actually, my plan for the whole weekend consists of sitting on my butt in front of the tv and eating all the food. Pretty excited about that. 13 Reasons Why was released on Netflix today and I can't wait to start it.
- I went to the He is We concert last night with Alycia, and it was the best time! We even got a picture with the band after the show! If you haven't heard of them, look them up immediately. Hopefully you love them as much as I do.
Hope everyone has a good weekend. If you're somewhere warm and sunny, send some of it to Salt Lake!