You know those days where none of your clothes seem to fit comfortably, and all you want to do is sit on the couch in your sweats and binge watch Netflix while eating your feelings because you're already fat so you might as well embrace it? That's today for me.
Going back to work this week was rough, due to the fact that A: I had to get up and put real clothes on every day, and B: I couldn't just rewear the same dress day after day because I knew I wouldn't see anyone I know. Now I see people every day, and I think they'd recognize the same striped maternity dress if I wore it every day. So I went out shopping with Alycia last Monday, found a pair of maternity pants and a shirt, and kept them in the bag with the receipt in my drawer until today, when I tried them on for Brandon. And then I just ended up crying in the closet. The shirt was an iffy buy to begin with, and the pants...well the pants were too tight and too loose in all the wrong places, and let's just say that if I ever wanted to sit down in them, I should first offer a blindfold to the people around me. So yeah, I started crying, because I hate shopping to begin with, but trying to shop while pregnant is a complete joke. We returned the clothes to the store, then stopped in JcPenney, hoping to at least find something, but they don't even have a maternity section anymore! Not in store anyway, but I could always shop online, the kind lady informed me. Old Navy seems to have adopted this too. Let me ask you, who in their right mind thought that pregnant ladies would love nothing more than to take a shot in the dark and buy all their maternity clothes online? I mean yeah, that means I don't have to leave the house to do the actual shopping, but when the clothes come and don't fit well, then I actually do have to leave the house to return the clothes. So lose lose.
Anyway, we came home and I thought to myself "self, maybe your problem is that you aren't quite big enough to be trying to find maternity clothes. maybe we should try on some of your pre-pregnant pants and see if you can still clothes this with a hair tie." Talk about kicking a lady while she's already down...stupidest idea I've ever had. Of course they don't fit; I only have twelve weeks left until the actual baby is here. Maybe it's just that, like, everything is growing, so I don't actually notice that any one part of me is larger than it used to be because it all just is proportionally the same? I don't know.
People have loved seeing me at work because before summer I just had a bump that could have passed for sixteen slices of pizza, and now it looks like a legitimate baby bump, and they all tell me it's so cute. And sometimes I believe them, but not today. Today I just want to put on my standard soffe shorts and oversized Yankees t-shirt and nap on the couch all day.
I knew this whole self esteem thing would be an issue during pregnancy; it was an issue before, so of course it would be an issue during. I tried to stay ahead of the game and buy some shorts and dresses that would work for a while, and they have so far, but there has been a slight touch of fall in the air this weekend, and I know I'm going to need pants and long sleeved shirts before too long. So for now, my fix to this whole issue is just to suck it up and keep shopping, because it might be the worst now, but eventually I'll find clothes that do fit, and it will all be worth it. And also I will let myself buy a Mrs. Fields cookie at the mall when I'm feeling sad because chocolate cures everything and also I don't care.
So instead of cute baby bump pictures today, here's a pictures of the nachos we made to make me feel a little happier.
side note: I have been the most emotional person every lately and cry at everything. Brandon spotted this Treasure Valley salsa at Wal-Mart today (we had it for the first time at the fair in Boise and it immediately was our favorite) and I about lost it. Shout out to Boise and its foods for knowing when I need comforting the most.
Also, I'm definitely not looking for a boost in confidence after you read this post. Everyone has off days, and blogging is my way of venting about it, so don't feel bad for me! I just know I'm not the only one out there that feels this way, and maybe someone who is feeling this same way can laugh at me eating nachos and crying in the closet and it will make their day better. :)